A friend working with KPC mentioned an upcoming game to me recently.
At first, it was just a conversation.
A game.
A seat.
A possible trip to Jeju.
But something stirred.
Maybe it came at the right time.
There has been quite a bit of noise around poker for me recently. Politics, relationships, expectations, things outside the game itself.
And somewhere in all that noise, I realised I missed something very simple.
Just being a player.
Going somewhere new.
Sitting in a game where I do not know exactly what will happen.
Testing myself again.
The idea makes me nervous.
The stakes are bigger than what I am used to.
It will be streamed.
There will be cameras.
There will be moments where I am aware that people are watching.
I can already imagine myself feeling the pressure.
Maybe I take too long to count a pot. I’m so used to Bangkok dealers stacking everything nicely for us.
Maybe I make a mistake.
Maybe parts of my game that I would rather keep hidden get exposed.
I thought about all of this during meditation.
I could see the nerves.
I could see myself becoming aware of the cameras.
I could see myself getting stressed.
And then I could also see myself breathing.
Grounding myself.
Coming back to the hand in front of me.
I realised something.
I do not need to go there fearless.
I just need to show up.
I asked myself what I would feel if I decided not to go.
And the answer was uncomfortable.
I think I would regret it.
I would probably keep wondering what would have happened if I had taken the seat.
So this time, I want to choose the experience.
To go somewhere unfamiliar.
To play.
To learn.
To discover what happens to me when the pressure becomes real.
If I play well, good.
If I make mistakes, then I have something real to work on.
If I lose, I lose.
Regardless of the result, I want to come home and still respect myself.
Because life is about showing up.
Showing up before you feel completely ready.
Showing up while carrying fear.
Showing up knowing that you may be exposed.
Showing up anyway.
Maybe this trip changes nothing.
Maybe it changes a lot.
I do not know yet.
But I know I would rather find out.
Set seemingly impossible goals.
For what they will make of you in achieving them.
See you in Jeju.
